Other Family's Communication
When you become a parent, and especially when your child starts going to school, starts doing activities outside of school, starts interacting with other kids ... you really get an insight into how other families live.
It starts out subtely. A little 'oh, have we got X today?' here. A bit of 'My wife didn't tell me about Y' there. But you start to notice things. Bits and pieces add up.
I've come to the conclusion that almost everybody sucks at family communication.
But our family doesn't seem to have this problem. I'm not saying this as an elitist, just as a statement. Why does our family not have these problems, but other people do? What are we doing different? And when I say 'our family', I mean the little family unit that is mine. Not my brothers, not my parents, not my inlaws, etc. Just me, my partner, my kids -- even my cats. We communicate pretty well.
Most of these problems are logistics problems. 'When do you need to go to swimming?' is a logistics problem. Knowing that your children go swimming is a logistics problem. Where they go is a logistics problem. And yet it is clear that one parent just doesn't know shit about it.
Perhaps there's a bit of arrogance here -- after all, we don't have these problems, I already told you. We're good at this ...
.. And yet, when my children did Taekwondo, my partner didn't know anything about it. They didn't know where it was, when it moved, who the teachers were, what their email address was. None of it. I knew all of it. But they didn't need to know, because I was the one that took the kids, organised it all, and bought their uniforms, etc. It was only when my partner wanted to see what they did that they needed this information.
Again: that's a logistics problem. Because my partner knew they did Taekwondo. They knew where their uniform was, they knew what time it started. The details were easy to find, and of course I could give it to them.
Which brings us back to other parents, who never seem to have this information. I find it odd. Bizarre, even. In some cases, I think it is willfully ignorant -- maybe even a touch malicious. Because you know which parents doesn't know anything about their kids. It's the dad. Almost always, it's the dad. They don't know shit about shit.
Which must be a bit frustrating for the poor mum that has to handle all this stuff.
Before I wrote this, I asked my partner if they thought we had any communication issues. They didn't think we did. My only issue is that, sometimes, one of us will squirrel away information about something that the other person can do -- and would love to help with -- but, for some reason, the one with the information just wants to keep it and do it themselves. Most of the time, this is because you've been trying to get to something all fucking day and the kids have just stopped you from doing it, so even if you did it at ten to midnight, goddamn it, you're going to do this one little fucking thing!
So what do we do that's different? The first seems obvious: we talk to each other, we ask questions, we clarify things. It doesn't seem like a formal thing, it is just something we do. We like each other, not just love each other. We used to have a family meeting once a week. Really, it was an excuse to drink wine and eat cheese and then we'd spend five minutes talking about everything we had to do. We've tried it with the kids, but it has fallen apart. So we've adapted. But we both miss the family meeting, because it was a chance to get together and just be present with each other.
We've got a shared shopping list on Google Keep. This list must be eight years old, at least. We both add to it, and adjust it as needed. We can write notes on there as well, such as when the gas bill is due or if something isn't needed or stuff like that. It works great.
We've got a shared google calendar account that we've both added to our phones. I couldn't see how you could add tasks to somebody else's calendar, so I just created a second google account and made that the default calendar for both of us. Now we can both see what everybody is doing.
Obviously, we have a chat. Who doesn't have a chat? But we use it, and ask questions, and tell each other what we're doing.
It should be noted that none of this came about 'just because'. The process changes constantly, and is always being improved -- because failures happen, and when something doesn't go right, my partner and I both want to notice that and make sure it doesn't happen again. The shared shopping list happened because it was too hard to get the items I noticed onto their shopping list, and vice versa. The calendar happened because how else would you know when somebody has already booked something? I don't think this is groundbreaking stuff. I just find it odd that other families don't seem to do this. Perhaps they do and I only see the tail end of it, the failures, the 'oopsies'. But it just seems to happen again and again -- and to the same people. You can predict it a week out. I'm curious watching this behavior, because surely it isn't fun living like this.
None of this seems particularly unique, or hard, or strange. Why aren't other families doing this stuff? Are they not interested? Do they not care? I know they are all different, and with anxiety and stress and all the rest coming into it, perhaps they are just going through a really tough stage where they can't process any information. I get that -- I think every parent has been through a rough patch. You never know what front you are getting. The happy-go-lucky dad might actually be a struggling alcoholic that can't admit it to themselves. Maybe they need just a little extra help.
Because if you ask them, they wouldn't say that they didn't care. The previous generations would tell you -- they'd boast proudly how they never changed a nappy or never once cooked a meal. Some of them think its funny. Some wear their uselessness as a badge of pride. I don't know why you'd be proud that you never wiped your kids' ass, but I guess we all need to be proud of something
It just makes me feel a bit sad seeing it. So if you're reading this and you feel like you're the parent that doesn't know shit about shit ... maybe ask your partner why that is?