Pissing my Pants on Purpose
A friend of mine once went out for a buck's night, had a great night, dropped the buck off, went to bed, then was woken up an hour later by a cab driver.
"Is X your friend?" he asked.
"Er ... Yes," he said. Thinking what the hell is going on? X is asleep in bed ...
"He needs your help. He's naked. He's in my cab."
"Er ..."
The buck had woken up and gone to the toilet. The only thing was he was so drunk he had walked out the front door and taken a piss in the garden. He walked back to the door. The door was locked. Shit. He was naked. Double-shit.
The cab driver had found him wandering the streets, drunk and distraught, and the only number he could remember was his friend.
It happens.
Another friend went out for St Patrick's Day. By his own admission, he drank 'a skin-full'. And then went home to his girlfriend's house.
In the middle of the night, he needed to go to the toilet.
"What are you doing?" asked his girlfriend.
"Taking a piss," he said, as though it were the most obvious thing in the world.
"Yeah -- on my back."
He woke up and found himself not in the toilet where he thought he was, but was standing on the bed, pissing on his girlfriend's back.
They got married.
I thought of both those stories yesterday as I sunk in the beach and tried to wee.
A family beach day. What a lovely time. The sky was blue. The sun was warm. The beach gorgeous. My eldest is learning to swim and loves the water. I was with them. It was marvellous.
But I was busting for the toilet.
I couldn't get out of the ocean -- I would never leave my child alone in the water and there was no way they would leave the water if I asked -- so I had to go in the water. No problem, surely.
I went a little ways from my child so I could wee. I didn't tell them -- my God, they'd flip out! -- but how hard can it be to pee?
Turns out, it was bloody hard.
I couldn't go. I don't know why. Surely I just needed to relax, to release, to let go. But my body was having none of it.
It was so strange. Why couldn't I pee in the ocean? As Moana says "Fish pee in you -- all day!" so why couldn't I?
I grew a bit frustrated and then I managed to force out a wee. Or did I? I couldn't feel anything. There was no sensation. Isn't this the most sensitive part of my body? And yet I couldn't feel anything. I was sure I was doing a wee, but my body told me nothing.
And then I felt it: the warmth. Ah, I thought, finally.
And then my eldest came closer.
Now I needed to stop, and that proved impossible. There was just so much piss. It was warm everywhere. Surely I have control over my own body? But no, I had none.
Ah great, here comes my partner and youngest child ...
"What are you doing, dad?"
"Just enjoying the water," I said.
"Come over here."
"No."
"Why not?" they asked. My partner gave me a look. They knew. Oh well.
Finally! I was finished.
"Why's it warm?"
Some questions are better not asked.